When it comes to a fruit plantation, there’s one thing you need to make it successful: rich and powerful business contacts, and a heart of obsidian. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, that of fruit picking. At any time you can be knocked off your perch by someone doing the job better, and that’s when you need stacks of cash. That way you can either buy your enemy’s wares outright, leaving you as the more reasonable option, or you can find ways to sabotage them from the inside.

I shouldn’t share all my secrets though; if you want the rest, you’ll have to come and hear me speak. I’m hosting a conference entitled Fruit Selling: The Art of the Cobra, in which I detail the process of doing the job using five deadly animals as inspiration. It’s going to be held in a conference centre…probably near you, around the coast, lovely location for talking about something so serious.

Nice bunch of conference venues you have down here in Victoria, too. Mostly I like to take the people who sign up to my courses into the dingiest, nastiest place I can, underground if I can swing it, and feed them very little while beating the message into their heads. Works to a degree, but I couldn’t find anywhere that bad down here so I went for a change of pace. A nice venue near the sea, although I’m going to have to up to syllabus if I want to hammer in my message now.

These people are going to be entering the fruit selling business, and like so many of their wares, if they go soft, they’re fit only for the trash. They need a hard, tough centre. They need my deadly animal programme.

Anyway, that’s the gist! Come and join me, get some accommodation in Lorne if you’d like to make a holiday, and let me teach you how to tear through the competition like an overripe peach.

-Peter