The first step to controlling a classroom of unruly kids: an unwavering sense of style. First impressions are EVERYTHING, especially when you’re dealing with teenagers. Teens can be sadistic. They are unpredictable and cruel. They must be reeled in with manipulation. I knew all this before I trained as a teacher, but the truly weird thing is that no one else seemed to pick up on it. They were all talking about ‘discipline’ and ‘respect’ and ‘lesson plans’. Nah. I know the curriculum, or whatever. When it comes to actually teaching it, I’ll have my own methods.

Style…style is everything. I’ve got my own little hair salon in Melbourne, as all teachers should have. See, if you show up to your first day of class looking dishevelled, or literally anything below perfect, the students will eat you for breakfast like savages. My hair is somewhat difficult to manage, and I certainly can’t get it to the level of perfection that a hairdresser can manage. And so, that will be the first major step in gaining the trust of my students. They will know me as the guy with perfect hair, every day. Oh, I’m going to that hairdresser’s every day, as well. Can’t let those standards slip, and hair salons are just full of people who know what looks good, so I can get outfit tips and tricks. Accessories…anything that I need. Maybe I can even brush up on the youth lingo, even though I’ve been browsing Urbane-Thesaurus for the last few weeks to really see what people are saying.

Lucky I got in early on this idea as well. Once my fame as the coolest teacher around spreads, the hairdressers of Melbourne will be inundated with all kinds of teachers wanting those sweet style points. But as they will see…I had the idea first. You just gotta be one of the kids to earn their respect.