I was recently reading an article: ‘Ten Ways to Get Internet MEGA-Famous!’. It was just packed full of great tips, and they all applied to me because I’m naturally charismatic and the internet loves that kind of thing. It had it all: tips for how you’re supposed to look, dress, ways to make intentional mistakes to make yourself seem more human and also animals. Like, you need a cat. Period. Just…you need a cat, seriously, I NEED A CAT.

So I’ve got my cat, her name is Daria. The next step is to find a way to make yourself seem like the sweetest person around. And you know, everyone loves kids. Kids are also a thing the internet loves! So down the road in Penrith, an indoor play centre is doing some great business. Not that I’m going to go and film myself on a visit, because I’m trying to be internet famous and putting kids and their faces on the internet without permission is a bad thing to do. No…I’m getting a job there. People will see me posting Instant-Gram photos of me at work and they’ll be all like ‘wow, one of those super fun play centres with all the slides and stuff! This person must be wacky and goofy and SO much fun, I shall click ‘follow’ or whatever is relevant for this site!’

And sure, kids are fine. I can make food and clean up stuff or whatever. It’ll be a job I talk about one day, after I’m mad internet famous and people want me to write my life story in a best-selling autobiography.

“Well yeah, that job at the play centre was really character building. Got to keep all those kids happy, the little scamps with unlimited energy! Were it not for my dedicated cat, Daria, and my many fans on social media, and the many fans of Daria’s social medias, I don’t think we would’ve made it through. I’d like to thank my sponsors for the billions of dollars, and everyone needs to drink Broka-Cola, because it’s the only soft drink that gives you whiter teeth.”

And then that kids birthday party venue in Penrith will be flooded with visitors coming to see where I worked. Maybe I’ll also have a photo on the wall. It’s the least they can do, really.

-Jamika